Zombie Defense: The Squirt Bottle

The trouble with your average Zombie Apocalypse Preparation program is that it neglects the most disturbing and dangerous of all zombies:

THE ZOMBIE CAT.

Sure, we’re sad ’cause it’s dead–TILL IT RISES AGAIN.

The zombie cat is no laughing matter. Behind that soft fur and those long whiskers lurk glowing eyes, sharp (if broken and decaying) claws, and the deadly ability to half-bury you in a litter box after they LAP UP YOUR BRAINS.

I’m telling you. Cats already want to kill us all.

Look at the murder in those eyes.

I’m telling you: we must prepare.

And only the best zombie apocalypse training programs will teach you how to defend yourself. So when ZAP General Emmie Mears asked me to write about the best weapon in the zombie small animal defense arsenal, I agreed.

Because what do all cats fear above ALL ELSE?

This specimen exhibits abnormal bravery in the face of the squirt.

The deadly squirt bottle.

A cat’s fear of the squirt bottle is so powerful, so primal, even the compelling need to consume brains cannot overcome it.

Should you ever find yourself cornered by the furry, rotting, grime-bucket of DOOM, you need to know how best to use your squirt bottle.

1. Know where the nearest water supply is. Your squirt bottle ain’t no use empty.

2. Practice twisting the flow-control nozzle to the right setting. That scattered mist scares no feline: you need the jet setting, and you need to get it fast.

3. Target practice is essential. A truly determined cat will not be phased by a flank hit. No, you need to aim for the face, the ears, the eyes, and the neck. That’s the only way to stop the assault.

Of course, all these methods will only stop a finite number of LOLing-zombies demanding brain-cheezburgers. There’s only one weapon that will stop a pack of zombie-cats, the nuclear bomb of the cat-world, but it merits a blog post of its own:

The jar full of loose change.

Be prepared, folks. You never know when you’re going to need your weapons.